Fantastical Friday: A Completely Normal School Report

I was told by one of my teachers to write a report on my house. I didn’t. I procrastinated and wrote this instead. Sorry, sir.


For the prestigious Yellow house, the academic year 2016-17 was one of extravagant triumphs and great victories. It was the year when unsung nobodies revealed themselves to become equally unsung heroes, leading Yellow house to the peak of glory and promptly relinquishing it to the usual takers.

The Talent Contest was, as always, an affair which brought everyone together into a giant orgy of friendly arguments and grudging cooperation. Yellow-shirted pupils swarmed the buildings for a chance to get into one of the events, while those who already were in the events swarmed the hallways looking for a place to practice. Unfortunately, the usual flower garden afforded to us had already been taken, so we had to settle for the cactus garden.

After days of discussion and a couple hours of hard work, we proved to be a roaring success on the stage despite our cramped practice space. We won the English solo, where the singer blew people’s hats off with her voice. The main attraction of our skit, our very own house captain dressed as Abraham Lincoln, made a cat disappear in front of everyone’s eyes, but it appeared on the head of the principal’s wife just as we were to be announced winners and forced the judges to go back on their decision.

Nevertheless, a roaring, purring success!

We were determined to make the impossible into the possible at least once this year, and we accomplished this feat during the Inter House Football Tournament. We played so impossibly well that it was not possible for them not to announce us winners. There were rumours that we played “impossibly unfair” as well, but our sources say there is nothing in the rulebooks which prohibits us from holding flaming chainsaws to the judges’ necks. We also thanked them and apologised later on for any PTSD they might have from this minor incident, but they only looked at us with shell-shocked eyes. We take it that they received our gratitude well.

Of course, the highlight of the year is always the Annual Athletic Meet, and we took home multiple laurels there too. After all, we had been running an initiative to sell old goods for three months prior to the event, and our efforts paid off in the form of enough money to buy off fifteen medals from the principal. Records were broken in the 4×400 Boys’ Relay as we threw batons from halfway across the field to the next runner and won in half the time the other houses took. Our sources say here is nothing in the rulebook against this either.

We marched into the field with flying colours for the march past but were declared runners-up. However, our vice-captain began to transform into the second coming of Medusa and after she had turned the principal’s granddaughter into stone, the judges were thoroughly impressed and awarded us first place.

It is right to say that you must never judge a book by its cover, and the same goes for our housemaster and housemistress. Although they may seem to be lazy and incompetent, they actually drink to our health and collect money for bribes under shady tress from shadier sources. We are ever grateful to them for their unabashed support in the face of unjustified criticism. But for their help, we would never have achieved even half of what we have.

Keep going, Yellow house. Keep walking in the grace of God and all the Dark Lords.


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